The New ICC Rules

(1) Ricky Ponting – (THE TRULY GENUINE CRICKETER OF THE CRICKET ERA AND WHOSE INTEGRITY SHOULD NOT BE DOUBTED ) should be considered as the FOURTH UMPIRE. As per the new rules, FOURTH UMPIRE decision is final and will over ride any decisions taken by any other umpires. ON-FIELD umpires can seek the assistance of RICKY PONTING even if he is not on the field. This rule is to be made, so that every team should understand the importance of the FOURTH UMPIRE .

(2) While AUSTRALIAN TEAM is bowling, If the ball flies anywhere close to the AUSTRALIAN FIELDER(WITHIN 5 metre distance) , the batsman is to be considered OUT irrelevant of whether the catch was taken cleanly or grassed. Any decision for further clarification should be seeked from the FOURTH UMPIRE. This is made to ensure that the cricket is played with SPORTIVE SPIRIT by all the teams.


(3) While BATTING , AUSTRALIAN players will wait for the ON-FIELD UMPIRE decisions only (even if the catch goes to the FIFTH SLIP as the ball might not have touched the bat). Each AUSTRALIAN batsman has to be out FOUR TIMES (minimum) before he can return to the pavilion. In case of THE CRICKETER WITH INTEGRITY , this can be higher.

(4) UMPIRES should consider a huge bonus if an AUSTRALIAN player scores a century. Any wrong decisions can be ignored as they will be paid huge bonus and will receive the backing of the AUSTRALIAN team, board and media.

(5) All AUSTRALIAN players are eligible to keep commenting about all players on the field and the OPPONENT TEAM should never comment as they will be spoiling the spirit of the AUSTRALIAN team. Any comments made in any other language are to be considered as RACIALISM only.


(6) MATCH REFREE decisions will be taken purely on the AUSTRALIAN TEAM advices only. Player views from the other teams decisions will not be considered for hearing. MATCH REFREES are to be given huge bonus if this rule is implemented.


(7) NO VISITING TEAM should plan to win in AUSTRALIA. This is to ensure that the sportive spirit of CRICKET is maintained.


(8) THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE : If any bowler gets RICKY PONTING - "THE UNDISPUTED CRICKETER WITH INTEGTIRY IN THE GAME OF CRICKET" more than twice in a series, he will be banned for the REST OF THE SERIES. This is to ensure that the best batsman/Captain will be played to break records and create history in the game of CRICKET.


These rules will clarify better to the all the teams VISITING AUSTRALIA.

Racially Discriminating, It Is!

I agree with Andrew Symonds, albeit partially. Its racially discriminating, but actually against us. Take, for instance, the two contrasting cases of Andrew Symonds and Mathew Hayden.

A look at Andrew Symonds, and it becomes plain that Humarey Purvaj Bandar The. With his not-so-new 'hair style' it appears that he has taken a straight walk down a tree or cave to the ground.

Anatomically, he looks like a mixed breed of Neanderthals and Cro-Magnons, though I must admit neither of them were ever known to be found in Australia. But you can never be too sure of scientists. These days, they are questioning even the existence of God!

So how can you play a cricket match or for that matter any outdoor sport with a more physically superior species ? It is out an out racially discriminating!

I also agree when he says that he was surprised to see such wild celebrations after Twenty20 victory. I mean they were so many people in Mumbai, that forget his tribal caves, they were even more than the Australian population.

That's even if you add up monkeys, chimps, gorillas and orangutans found in the jungles & zoos of Australia. Ok, one may as well count his other jungle buddies like kangaroos and Gila monsters, but still numbers won't match up.

Then later there were so many good-for-nothing politicians on the stage - including Sharad Pawar - whom Aussies had shoved aside earlier in the World Cup - still none of the Indian players pushed them down from the stage. Me too was surprised. Honestly.

The cave man was also surprised by the gift and dollies offered to the winners. You can't really argue with this. I mean this is not according to the laws of jungle. Humans behave strangely, especially, the Indian ones. His tribals don't indulge in such lavishness.

In fact, he would admit, tribal laws are a bit unfair. They give less reward for victory, and punish more for losses. That's why its called jungle law, mate. He vividly remembers his chief had just given him two unpeeled bananas, and a raw thigh flash of a wild bore as the prize for his heroics in the World cup.

In contrast to that, when they had lost a match against Bangladesh in Natwest Trophy 2005, he was made to crouch on lukewarm raspberry nectar, mixed with a dead baboon's blood, after being hit 141 times on his naked backside by a fresh, but rough, bamboo branch. It stunk like a shit, and pained like a hell! In fact, it still does when he crouches to drop his daily dose of shit.

The most ironical part was that he didn't even play that match because of disciplinary action after his late night - or was it early morning - drinking binge! Now he knows that once he will be back home, he may get even worse treatment for losing against Zimbabwe in Twenty20 Cup. Laws of jungle, as I said.

All said and done, but no one can fault him for getting irritated to see Indians in every second advertisement on TV. You see, they are hardly any TV back in woods, and those there are, they only show Discovery, and Animal Planet where people either get swallowed alive by hungry crocodiles or get mortally stung by sting ray. Even the commercials in between have one animal or another. In fact, he himself had taken part in a few such ad campaigns.

Feels nice to see that animals getting due recognition in this human dominated world. But here in India, though they claim it to be the land of snakes and elephants, hardly any of them are represented in advertisements, except for that ugly dog which keeps showing for Vodafone. That's too few and far in between, and anyway, dogs these can hardly be termed as wild animals. They have almost regressed to corrupt human ways.

On the contrary, TV ads here in India are obscenely full of cricketers and movie stars. Its about time they start promoting the game in jungles, like they do back at home. Until then, viewing Indian advertisements will be the same - irritating.

Now coming to Hayden nee Haydos.

A complete contrast of Symonds. If latter is the blast from the past, then Hayden is back from the future. With a body of a tank, he looks like a advanced homeo sapience specie which will live on this mother earth 200 years from now.

He guzzles gallons of water, and is Christ fearing (hard to believe there would still be non Muslim believers by then). Usually walks down to the shot, and wields his bat like a menancing Gada.

Again, if this is not racism then what else is. The contest is not fair because they are not fit to be counted as humans.

Racism or no racism, Ian Chappel feels that if Shree Santh continues to behave like this, he will be another Shoaib Akhtar in no time. Chappel senior got it all wrong. Sree Santh never punches his own team mates, unlike Akhtar. I think, if Santh continues like this, he will be another Glen McGrath, for sure. And none of us, will mind that !

the-owls

I am trying to rhyme Deols as the-owls. Deols as in Dharmendra, Sunny and Bobby.

I think their genetic code have been altered for the worse in such a manner that they keep living in their own collectively delirium, and refuse to come out of it. I have seen many such evidences. Here is one such with elder brother. The other one with younger brother follows.

Karan Johar, in Koffe With Karan, asks Bobby Deol whether Sholay should be remade. Latter answers "No it can't, because you cannot remake a remake. Sholay was a remake of my dad's - Mera Gaon Mera Desh!"

I was stunned. Ramesh Sippy could have choked. Karan gasped in breathlessness, but to his credit, he could continue without showing.

This, however, begets the question that by what stretch of imagination, and scale of comparison can be Sholay be termed as a remake of Mera Gaon Mera Desh ? I conclude it is the same delirium which I have talked about.

The fatherly and brotherly love between them has outwitted their senses irrevocably. All this was fine as long as they kept this within the family dining table, but the problem is that it is now spilling out.

I fear for the next generation, when their kids will talk fondly about "legendry" movies like Gadar and Barsat.

Surname

Haven't heard a more queer surname in a long long time - 'Sidebottom'. He is the new English bowler - Ryan Sidebottom - who tormented WestIndies in their last Test Match.

Just imagine him introducing himself: my name is Sidebottom, Ryan Sidebottom.

The last time I heard a stranger surname was Coffin. But he was a french guy, and it is pronounced as Koffan there.

Marwari surnames are known to be different. I have two very dear friends surnamed as 'Kankani' and 'Toshniwal'. I have never heard them before, and never heard them after.

But Marathi surnames can be very imaginative. Often they signify the place they have come from like Kolhapuri(Kolhapur), Purandery(Purander), Gavaskar(Gavas), Tendulkar(Tendol). But some times they take very interesting connotations.

For eg. surnames like 'Khare', and 'Khote'(Biju Khote). Former means true, while latter means false. By the way, there are 'Khare' in Uttar Pradesh too. Then there are 'Phule'(flowers), 'Zhade'(shrubs) and 'Muley'(root). 'Kolhe' means fox, while 'Landge' means wolf. Then there are 'Wagh'(tiger), 'Waghdhare'(tiger catcher) and 'Waghmare'(tiger killer). There are even Gods and Ghosts too - 'Deo/Dev' and 'Bhoot/Bhute'.

But the most original surname I ever heard here is 'Dahibhate'(Curd-Rice) ! Just think about it.

Even in Hindi belt, we have names with a pattern. 'Dwivedis', 'Trivedis', 'Chaturvedis' - the surnames according to their forfathers' achievements - the number of Vedas they have read. Though 'Trivedis' are found mostly in Gujarat. 'Shastri' are those who had read Shastras.

Then teaching as profession finds special mention - 'Upadhyaya', 'Pandit', 'Acharya', and 'Pathak'. 'Upadhaya'(Pahadi Brahmin), 'Padhye' and 'Vajhe'(Marathi Brahmin), 'Ojha'( Central India), and 'Jha'(Bihar Brahmin) are the same. 'Srivastava'( Uttar Pradesh) and 'Sinha'(Bihar) are the same.

Talking about profession as surnames, who can beat Parsis. Most of them either they have Wala or the direct profession like Habib 'Painter', Hafiz 'Contractor', Farukh 'Engineer', Asif 'Doctor', Bejan 'Daruwala', Ronnie 'Screwwala', Shenaz 'Treasurywala', Umpire 'Dhotiwala' or the most stereotyped Parsi surname in Hindi movies - 'Batliwala'.

Bengalis often use combination of surnames. There are 'Sen' & 'Sengupta', 'Das' & 'Dasgupta', 'Majumdar' & ''SenMajumdar'. Often, the suffix is profession related. Britishers have changed 'Chattopadhyas' and 'Bandhopadhyas' as 'Chatterjees' and 'Banerjees'. Sometimes people keep the title along with the surname like 'Roy Chowdhari', where the latter is a title. A title which has been invented our times is 'Sahara' ala in 'Subroto Roy Sahara'. We gonna see many 'Roy Saharas' in future from this clan.

In North, Kshatriyas, Yadavs and Kayastha are known to keep titles. For the first two, it is 'Singh'. Like I am Manish 'Singh' Chauhan, while it Mulayam 'Singh' Yadav. But it is not necessary like there can be Chetan 'Chauhan' and Rupam 'Yadav' too.

Kayasthas sometimes either keep title bestwoed upon them like 'Rai' or they invent of their own like 'Bachchan'. Some do both like Harivansha 'Rai Bachhan' while he was actually a 'Srivastava.'

In Punjab, they keep 'Singh' for males, and 'Kaur' (meaning princess) for females.

In Bihar, 'Kumar' is often prefixed to the names. It is often suffixed too. For eg. you can find many Kumar Mahesh, and Mahesh Kumar there. You may also find many other suffixes like 'Prasad', 'Bharti' etc. They often leave out surnames. Another phenomenon common there is having dual names like - Shekhar Suman, Sudhir Vinod(like in movie Shool), and our very own Prem Piyush. Though it is not a rule as such.

South Indians, especially Tamils, don't put surnames. Easy.

I didn't intend to make this post so long.

The Haunted House Of Horror

Let me make a confession. It won't be a too charitable statement on me, but I am bit scared of ghosts!

Not that I have myself witnessed or experienced any supernatural phenomenon, and not that I make quite an issue about this, but I believe that those who think there is nothing called ghosts are the next one to see them.

Therefore, I keep a balance, and nor do I say about non-existence of the ghosts as an idea, and neither do I proactively advocate about them.

I am not all at blame for this. All my kiddo life, most of my cousins and uncles were ready with one spook story or the other. So be it the Peepal Ka Ped at the backyard, or their Ulte Pair - all had indelible effect on my psyche. The fact that these evil spirits are afraid of fire and Hanuman Chalisa was not much of console.

My little sister knows of this fact. So when The Haunted House Of Horror opened shop in Lucknow, she made me promise her to visit the place along with me whenever I was in Lucknow. Since she shares the same uncles and cousins as me, she too is scared of the spooks, but she didn't want to miss out the sight of my scared face.

Sadist sibling pleasures.

During my September visit - I, my sister, and another cousin went to that place above CCD at Hazratganj. Only two people are allowed per trip, but since I was the only male amongst there , we all went inside together.

The idea was like this - there would be some ghosts inside, who will try to instill the fear of Satan in all of us. It would be short 10 minute trip along a dark, serpentine alley, full of strange voices, skeletons, and ghosts, of course.

Family pressure made me take this trip which I wouldn't have otherwise taken. This is not in my Deoxyribose Nucleic Acid. But, the trip turned out to much different than I had imagined.

There was a pitched darkness inside, with tremendous amount of stereophonic-cum-human yelling. More than the fear of the surroundings, I was more afraid of falling down and breaking my teeth.

The first casualty was my cousin. She immediately chickened out, and doubled back the path she came in. No amount of persuasion by the security guard outside could make her come in again.

The other two brave girls desperately clutched each of my hands respectively. The amount of noise, together with lurking ghosts, took the winds out of them. They were screaming in panicky.

But, I was disappointed. The whole stuff didn't look spooky at all. Once my eyes got adjusted to the darkness, I could see people inside, who couldn't hide themselves good enough. The skeletons too looked a bit artificial. At that moment, I decided to have a little fun my self.

I began replying to their voices all along. I even mocked at them for the bad arrangement, given the good concept. A hanging artificial snake was at my hands reach, which I snapped it off from its thread, and threw at one of the hiding attendants.

Meanwhile, we had reached the end. A person was hiding near the door to open it. As soon he came to open, I just jumped at him. The poor guy thought I was about to hit him. He just ran for the cover, and fell down while doing so.

I came out laughing, albeit with a hoarse throat. It was such a disappointment for my sister. Poor girl thought I would be scared, which never happened. Instead, it was she and my cousin who had hearts in their mouth all along.

I Am Sorry Ma'am

My office is 17Km from my house, so I take the office bus to and fro. Since its on highway, it just takes 30 minutes.

Office buses are usually reliable and comfortable unless there are traffic jams. Occasionally, they are dangerous too, when driver is either drunk, or is a Schumacher incarnate.

My activity on bus includes reading a book or a magazine, or taking a short wink. If I am doing neither, my mind is into dreaming serious, fantastical issues like - when would I be a millionaire, or what would it feel like kicking Sehwag at his butt. Stuff like that give me temporary pleasure.

However, the only part I detest of the whole trip is when I try to get down near my home during the return trip, though, no problem getting down near the office because the bus comes to a halt before I alight.

But in the evenings, one has to move towards the driver's cabin to convince him to stop. While the driver is in acceleration & deceleration mode, it get extremely difficult for a flat footed person like me to keep the balance, more so when one has a bag precariously slouched over a shoulder, threatening to come down.

At this time, hands come to rescue. They try to grope the side seats, the top rods - whatever they can. But hands have a mind of their own, and in the given situation they too get out of control. Some times they land up at someone's hair, at other time they might give a backhanded mini slap to people.

Since this is generally painless, if receiving person is male, they do not mind but females, predictably, do give some sign of discomfort. However, my blushing face and profusely sorry expression usually convinces them of my honesty.

But not this time. That day, a lady was walking in front of me, and there was a person behind me too. I was totally cramped for space, and since the bus was decelerating pretty fast, my strides were slightly longer than intended.

So my shoe hit the bottom of her sandle. She ignored. To my horror, it hit her sandle again. Twice again. She tried to turn back and confront me in the bus it self, but then she gave away the idea because she might have fallen down.

The moment she landed on terra firma, she gave me such a noli me tangere look that I thought she was about take out those sandles and hit me. I was a bit embarrassed, but the scene was averted. Since it was between the two of us, nobody else noticed.

Thinking about the legal and social consequences of that event later in the day, I was slightly perplexed. By hitting her sandal thrice, by no means I had outraged her modesty. I had done far worse things than that as I have mentioned above.

Also, she should have understood that this was totally unintentional. The only logical solution I could think out was probably she was angered that I might have damaged to her costly sandles. By experience, I can say that these things don't come cheap.

If that's not so, then she has an overrated notion about her beauty, and a perverse notion about my integrity. Whatever, the case may be, I am sorry ma'am.

Heard an interesting bit of news. Charmed by Mushy baby, our good old official Prime Minister have accepted an invitation to visit Pakistan.

But that's the not the interesting part.

In a statement given, India has accepted that Pakistan is also a terrorism affected nation. So both the parties will fight against it jointly. For this, a high power joint committee will be created.

Ok, so above was the official part. Here is the unofficial part which I have heard from the sources.

From Pakistan's side, Osama Bin Laden will be the honoree member of that committee.

Dawood Ibrahim will be the chairperson, while all his brothers will be the working members. Choota Shakeel and Tiger Memon will join too. Abu Salem will take part in the proceedings from prison. He may even seek parole. Indian government would be considerate. Maulana Masood Azhar would be the convener.

ISI will be the consultant to this committee.

And then together, they all will fight terrorism. God save all.

I think we should tell Mushy baby that if Dawood Ibrahim is not in Pakistan, then the Tajmahal (which he visited a few years ago) is not in India.

Pollock's Bunny..

..Sachin Tendulkar.

Scores in last three innings:-

2(20 balls)
2(22 balls)
2(15 balls)

Superb!

Oh No Lara(Dutta) !

This is about the last week's 'celebrity' episode when Lara Dutta and Sania Mirza graced Kaun Banega Crorepati.

Now we all know how farcical and fixed these 'celebrity' episodes are. The pathetic questions, even more pathetic options, and the drama trip these celebrities go about before answering these questions, despite of the fact that every bloke who is, though, patient enough to tolerate all this, but not idiot enough to not understand that these dumbos-for-life know all the questions and answers before hand makes the whole episode as obnoxious as a Balaji Teleserial.

Obnoxious all right, but can this be really hilarious? Yes. Hilarious in the sense, that when these people make such a fool of themselves while trying to act intelligent, and 'come to' the answers they already know. This happened on last Sunday.

After the utterly pathetic episode of Kajol-Ajay Devgan, I had pledged to myself that I would never watch such episodes again. But while surfing the channels when I saw this 'intriguing' question on KBC, don't-know-why I just stopped. Well the question was - If on August 1, there is a Friday, how many Sundays are there in that month? This so difficult question was of the value 6.40 lakhs! What a choice for this amount! I mentally complimented Siddhart Basu.

I was about to change the channel when the beauty queen Lara Dutta decided to make a fool herself and the organizers of Ms Universe Beauty Pageant. She went about this way. Since 1st August was Friday, 3rd had to be the first Sunday. Then she added EIGHT( guffaws), and concluded 11th is also Sunday. Then she added SEVEN( more guffaws), and surmised that 18th, 25th, and 32nd have to be Sundays, but 32nd can not be a day in any month. 3rd, 11th, 18th, 25th. So that made four.

By that time, Sania Mirza, luckily, had counted that August has 31 days.

But the real problem was the fact that they had been told there were 5 Sundays. Poor Lara realized that she has lost the plot terribly. She just didn't know how to arrive at five. Partner was equally dumb. So to save herself from this embarrassing situation, she blurted that the answer is five. Nobody was told why five, when the 'calculation' was four.

Partial mistake is of Star TV. When they tell the answers to celebrities, they should also rehearse the histrionics these participants should go about. Perhaps they relied on the brains of the beauty queen and Tennis queen. But beauty queens are proven no-brainers. Ever heard of Aishwariya Rai!

I hope somebody at the back stage did tell Lara Dutta the secret of calendars - that there are seven days in a week. Had she been a successful actress, if I dare call her one, she would have had real date problems. Imagine those Sundays falling on the 32nd of the months! Terrible.

Meticulous To Detail

I must say Ganguly is meticulous to detail, if not anything else. This incident proves it.

I was following Kochi cricket match on Radio, courtesy power cuts. Less than the time one can prepare a maggi, he was bowled out. Radio commentators kept shouting he was "clean bowled" behind his legs.

A batsman is "bowled" when ball hits either of three stumps. A "clean bowled" is when ball hits the middle stump. To get out "clean bowled" from behind the legs, a batsman should have walked quite a far across. This sounded silly, but I believed the commentator. Only Ganguly could have done it.

But actually, he was hit on leg stump only. Radio commentator either over did it or wasn't aware of the difference. Ganguly, probably, took it as an insult. To teach the commentator a lesson, he made a point to get out "clean bowled", in Vizag. He got hit in the middle stump.

Meticulous to the detail, indeed.

Heard this on television. Sunny Deol, in his glorious tribute to his dad - Dharmendra, said something like this. Please brace yourself for the worst.

"Now coming to Sholay. If dad wasn't there in the movie, Sholay would have been a very 'dry' movie".

My ears could hear nothing else for a short while after that. Why? Kyunki Mere Kano Se Dhuan Nikal Raha Tha.

I know Deols is a very closely knit family. They all have nothing but praises for each other. And I love to see such a close binding together between father and sons; although dad's bigamy, and elder son's adultery is highly despicable. But tell you what, even I couldn't imagine such a blinding love. Even fabled Shrawan Kumar would pale in comparison.

There is no doubt that Veeru did a fine a job, but how come such a senior actor who has given some really fabulous performances in Arjun, Ghayal etc can give such a irresponsible, shooting-from-the-lip stuff. I mean this was not some petty dialogue from Gadar, it was suppose to be a serious statement.

Tomorrow Javed Jaffery might pitch in - "Leave aside dad Jagdeep, Sholay was a drag" or some grand son of AK Hangal might make public his take that "Without Dadoo, movie was bland".

Didn't Idiot box have enough idiots working for it or watching it that they are feeling need to import more of them from Cinema ? Yeh Sannata Kyun Hai Bhai!

Mai Na Kehta Tha

Circinfo reports: Umpire Bucknor raises him finger after deliberating for a long time! Tendulkar walks away shaking his head, tv replays clearly indicate that the ball swung away after passing the bat, Bucknor gets it terribly wrong on this occasion.

I had already forewarned about Bucknor. Its his 100th match. Bucknor wants to have fun. And he shall have it. Or is it the Pakistani cake which Bucknor had cut on the eve of his 100th Test which has done the trick ?

There is not much to add to the point that this guy(Bucknor) is as low a human being as a slut. Never seen the mockery of the game of such proportions. Loosing mental faculty is one thing, while deliberate hounding and vilification is another.

Qatil Ada

At the end of the first day, Sachin Tendulkar sat for the daily press conference. Amongst other things he spoke about, there was this particular quote which I found very interesting. It was in the yesterday's edition of The Times Of India as well.

On his 10000th Run, Sachin says : I did not realise it. All of a sudden, the crowd reaction was different. I asked Rahul (Dravid) what happened. He said, ‘You want me to tell?’ I said, ‘No. I know now.’

Reading this, I scratched my head. Is our Tendlya so naive ? I don't believe so. Nor did Abhishek. Even if we believe he was naive and forgetful, there are facts which contradict his statement. Here is the proof given by Abhishek.

These two things happened well before Dravid went up to him to congratulate.

- He raised his bat after scoring that run.
- And exchanged hand shakes with Pakistani players.

Also,
-crowd's reaction did not become "different" "all of sudden". They had been applauding everyball after his 15-16th Run.
-There was a countdown to 10000 runs being displayed on scoreboard.
-He was visibly shaky & stranded way too long before that run.
-Attempeted 2-3 very horrendious shots for that run.
-There was a phenomenal jump in the scoring rate from 0-27 to 28-52.

Judge yourself. May be he his naive, but we are not. That's the perfect example of putting one's foot in the mouth.

Snowfall In Lucknow !

It has never happened, and there is no chance in a billion. It doesn't happen in plains. Evryone knows, though it happened in Dubai recently.

But this bright dude in my company asked me if a snowfall ocurred in Lucknow like it happened in J&K recently. Lucknow near J&K ? Not the one which I usually visit.

I no more feel shocked, as I used to do before. I seriously believe that Geography as a subject is higly neglected one in the schools of this part of the country. I guess, my French client had a better sense. He at least knew Lucknow is 'somewhere near TajMahal'.

Incidentally, there is a related debate going on Sarika's blog. I had written similar post Lucknow Is On Mars Pune Is On Venus long time back mentioning similar irritating incidents. Bhagwaan In Sabko Sadbudhdhi De.

It's Ok To Be Naughty Sometimes

The incident dates back to my college days. The beautiful IIT campus at Kanpur is situated almost out of the city limits. From IIT gate, the hostel and academic area is further 3 km inside.

Whenever we use to go for a late night movie show, it used to be a big trouble getting back after midnight. It required a lot of haggling to convince tempo drivers for dropping us at the campus because they won't get return passengers at such late hours.

Some of them would only drop us at IIT gate, not to our hostels to avoid hassles with security guys at the institute. Still these guys were much better than those crook-turned-autowallahs in Pune, whose half-return-fares start from as early as 10pm, more so if one is unfortunate and poor enough to reside in some far flung corner of the city.

That night, we had gone for a lavish marwari dinner at the very kanpuriya, Manish Kankani's place. The food prepared by aunty, bhabhi and didi was brilliant and sumptuous. Servings were generous, and to add to that, we had to also follow the typical marwari diktat of not leaving even a tiny scrap of food on our plates.

It was already very late and the place, RatanLal Nagar was at another corner of the city. Our loaded-to-the-brim tummies made walking very tedious. After much effort we found a rare tempo ready to take us to IIT gate, but not up to our hostels. With our condition, walking three kilometers was impossible therefore, we pleaded, cajoled, cried but the driver refused to budge.

Since beggars can't be choosers, all fourteen of us hopped in. But Kankani had a plan. Just after half a km, Kankani and Anant Mishra, the biggest pranksters in our group started acting as if they were very heavily drunk. Soon the rest of us followed. Following is the sample conversation which was used, lavishly punctuated by mild profanities.

Speaker 1: "Daru Ne Sara Mood Kharab Kar Diya Yaar. Agar Aaj Kisi Faltoo Ne Panga Liya To Tangey Tod Doonga Uski!" (The drink has spoilt the whole mood. Anyone who messes with me,I am going to break his legs tonight)

Speaker 2: "Sirf Tangey Tod Dogey? Abey Mai To Tangey Hi Nahin, Hanth, Khopadi, Kamar - Sab Tod Phod Daloonga" (Only the legs? I would break ALL of his bones from top to the bottom, my dear fella)

Speaker 3: "Ek Baat Mai Bhi Bata Doon. Agar Aaj Is Tempo Wale Ne Zara Si Bhi Bakaiti Dikhai, Kasam Se Woh Haal Karoonga Ki Dobara Kisi IIT Ke Launde Ko Tempo Per Nahin Baithaiga" (Let me also add something. If this tempo driver tries to act smart today, I am gonna give him such a sound thrashing that he won't ever drive an IITian to the campus again)

Speaker 1: "Aur Bhaisaab, Kahin Usney Galti Se Bhi Kiraya Maang Liya - To Tum Log Mujhey Rokna Mat. Maartey Maartey Gadar Kaat Doonga" (And if this fellow dared to ask for the fare, hope you fellas don't stop me. I am going to run havoc on him for his misadventure)

Speaker 2: "Abey Chahey Aaaj Diro Bhi Aa Jai. Isko Chhodna Nahin Hai. Bahut Mood Kharab Kar Raha Tha" (Even if the Director turns up, we are not going to leave this guy)

The conversation was reaching loud and clear to the driver. His face had turned ashen, and he panicked too soon. Two of the group who were sitting in front seat along with him were trying hard to hide their giggles. They explained to him that though these guys are badly drunk, they mean no harm. The driver was not entirely convinced.

We kept on doing this for whole journey, and eventually IIT gate arrived. The driver didn't even look to stop at there. He had changed his mind long back. He was determined to drop us safely at our hostels. Unfortunately for the driver, the two not-so-drunk guys at the front alighted near the Computer Center(CC).

He begged them to continue on to the hostel and then he would drop them back at CC. They assured him that there is a guy called Manish Chauhan, who was not drunk and would pay him the full fare. But by the time we reached Hall-III gate, he didn't have the courage to ask for the money. His unscathed return from the campus was his top priority.

Rest of the guys went away shouting and laughing. When I approached him with the money, he couldn't believe it. I thanked him for dropping us till the hostel. Though he did say that pleasure was all his, I am bloody sure he won't have ever taken another ride to IIT campus.

And we were laughing our guts out at the brilliant, albeit naughty idea. That's the hostel life for you.

Never Take The Shortcut

Moti was not superstitious. Not that education was behind it. He barely knew his calculations, but knew them adequate enough to manage his meager sellings. He sold eggs in a near by town, for which he had to cycle all the way to and fro. Under the normal circumstances, one followed the pukka road which was about one hour for one way trip.

But Moti usually took the shortcut. It passed through the outskirts of a thick, deep jungle, though only briefly. Village folks talked about the snakes, hyenas, big cats frequenting those woods. Some even warned about the unruly supernatural elements flaunting their presence. The weak would shudder at those stories. But Moti wasn't weak. And he wasn't superstitious either.

But his wife was. Previous night she had some bad dream, and she won't tell what. All that Moti knew was that she implored her NOT to take the shortcut that evening. To avoid the fuss, he relented, though partially. Much to the chagrin of his wife, he added that he won't enter the thicket after dark, but otherwise it would depend upon the circumstances.

So after selling the day's eggs, he was on his way back and it wasn't dark yet. He laughed at his soul mate. His grandfather once told him that a superstition is a premature explanation that overstays its time. She needed to get over it.

A few minutes into the jungle he realized that it gets dark a little more quicker in side it. Another few minutes, and his opinion changed once more. It's get dark damned more quicker. In fact, it was already pitch dark, almost suddenly. This had never happened before! He felt a hint of perspiration. He paddled on faster.

He was not sure what happened. All he remembered there was a loud noise, then he was yanked off the bicycle. His right knee was badly bruised, and he was lying prostrate on his face. After staggering onto his feet, he groped for his vehicle. The front rim was badly mutilated. "Damn!", he cursed aloud. The visibility now was almost nil. It was clear that the cycle and Moti won't be able to carry each other.

Nocturnal noises had started reverberating. He decided to continue on Gyarah Number Ki Gadi(his legs). Moments later, another realization dawned upon him. He was on the wrong track! The darkness has fooled him into making the mistake, and it seemed he was deep into the woods. "Why all this is happening only today!", he wondered aloud. It was then he remembered his wife's warnings. He was perspiring profusely now.

He didn't have a good memory, which has been a cause of his embarrassment quite a times. But today, he exactly remembered every horrifying tale his village folks used to tell. It was not the time to rejoice at the rediscovered memory. It was time to scoot. And he ran as he had never ran before, untill, miraculously, he saw a road. He collapsed.

He woke up with a start. He was still lying by the side of the road which he had never seen before. It was raining incessantly, and not a soul was in the sight. Still in the fix what to do, when he saw a car coming slowly from one side. He decided to plead for a lift but soon realized that who would give lift to a stranger, looking like a zombie, on deserted road that ran around the woods. He decided to gate crash.

The car, strangely, was running quite slowly. Not that he minded it. As soon as car came by his side, he lunged into the nearest door. Door luckily was not bolted, and it took only a moment to get inside. The car was moving even more slowly than he had thought. He was about to apologize(for the forced entry) and complain(for the slowness) to the driver, when he saw there was no one driving the car! The driver's seat was empty!

Moti froze. His tale of horror didn't seem to end, or was it the end of everything. His voice choked, and it was difficult to make out whether he was more wet due to the rain or perspiration. His whole body was shaking violently. He remembered his wife once telling that spooks trouble the non believer's more. He already has had his fair share of trouble. Now it was his turn to turn into a spook.

The idea of spending his future in the woods or driving that car himself didn't appeal to him. This was a complete original situation. None of those spooky tales he had heard resembled this. And he would not live to tell it. He decided to do something about this. He would jump.

Mustering all his courage, he hurled himself against the door. The door was never closed properly, and down he hit the terra firma with a thud. Before he could gather himself on his feet, he noticed that the car had stopped as well, and a shadowy figure loomed over him. This is it. He closed his eyes. The moment of truth had arrived. The voice of that shadow was shrilling.

"Oh, I am grateful that I found some one at last. My car has broken down and I have been pushing it for almost half an hour now. Can you please help me in pushing to the nearest garage." Moti collapsed for the second time that night.

My Previous Post On Story - The Man Who Knew Too Much

Bhansali And His Guts

During the last episode of Koffee With Karan, Sanjay Leela Bhansali and Aishwariya Rai were the guest. For me, the highpoint of the whole episode was the two answers given by Bhansali. They were as follows.

Karan To Bhansali: Who, according to you, is the most overrated actor of the film industry ?
Bhansali To Karan(Nonchalantly): Vivek Oberoi.

The above answer was bang without any hesitation. Miss Rai looks down with not preferring to show her emotion.

Karan To Rai: What do you have which others don't?
While Miss Rai, looks for some usual diplomatic answer, Bhansali offers to answer that for her.

Bhansali To Karan(Smiling wickedly): Giggles. She has giggles, which others don't. And guess what was her reaction to that answers? Sheepish giggles, of course!

Prior to this, I was a kind of a fan of the movies which had a Bhansali touch, including the movies, when he was assistant to Vidhu Vinod Chopra i.e. Parinda, 1942 -A love Story; and of course, his own movies - Khamoshi- The Musical , Hum Dil De Chukey Sanam, & Devdas.

Now I also know that this man has guts. Guts to speak the truth, even in the presence of concerned party, even if it is not comfortable. And he has the guts to make a movie like -Black. Way to go!

Bell That Billy

Though I may not be mightily impressed with smiley-dude expression of Sehwag, when Dravid and Yuvraj were battling at the crease, and his country facing the inevitable defeat; still for the first time in last 4 months, an act of Sehwag finally brought smile on my face.

Billy Bowden after third day's play told to NDTV that as players are human, so are the umpires. But someone had to tell this guy that, he is not only a human, but he his exactly what he acts - a rank idiot. The arthritis which has struck his bone, seems to have gone beyond it's brief. He has lost his sense of mind, sense of sight and should promptly seek the services of lunatic asylum. It took a Jat to finally deliver that, and boy - he was loud and clear.

The point has been driven home to Bowden, and more importantly, to ICC. Bowden got the message, because he did not commit any further mistake for the rest of the match, also he was seen cutchie-cooing with Sehwag and Indian team management. All this is just to make sure no official complaint is submitted to ICC.

ICC got the message because Sehwag was merely fined 65% of his match fees. This is was no Ranjan Madugalle magnanimity, mind you. A breach of ICC rules, section 2.2 is strict; when there is Indian player(s) involved, it's stricter and when Madugalle is there as the match referee - you can be rest assured of the maximum possible penalty.

There is no love lost between Indian team and Madugalle, So why did he showered such largesse on Sehwag. Logic suggests, ICC has asked referee to go easy on this. ICC is also considering allowing three appeals( against umpires) to the teams during a test match. Bowden's under performance is not going unnoticed to ICC. Sooner or later, he will go - the same way Ashoka Di Silva was chucked out.

And some one please take Bucknor along as well. I don't not understand, why all those 'human' umpires do most of the mistakes against India only. This pair performed abysmally against India at Sydney. Now, this test is another casualty.

Just look at the decisions which have gone against India in this match.

Aussi First Innings

Langer LBW first ball. Not out - Bowden( Scores 52 more)
Hayden LBW. Not out - Bucknor( Scores 10 runs more)
MJ Clarke LBW at 92. Not Out - Bowden(Scores 59 runs more)

India First Innings

Chopra LBW McGrath. Out - Bucknor(Ball was hit high, score 0 )
Pathan caught Gilchirst. Out - Bowden(Caught of the thigh pads, score 31 partenership was on )

Aussi Second Innings

No decision against India, but with a twist.
Gillespie was caught by Yuvraj, but Bucknor rejected the appeal. Gillespie himself walked out. A slap of sort on Bucknor's face.

India Second Innings

Sehwag LBW McGrath. Out - Bowden( Inside edge)
Laxman LBW Warne. Out - Bucknor(Ball pitched outside legstump)
Patel LBW Warne. Out - Bucknor (Hit the ball outside the line off stump)

Terrible batting by Indian top order, superb all around performance by Aussies, and pathetic umpiring. Surprising that India lasted till second session of last day.

Outsourcing To Pakistan

Read the front page story in TOI today. Mushy baby has claimed that since, Pakistanis speak better English than Indians, therefore, outsourcing should happen to Pakistan, instead. Guffaws and chuckles aside, had he demanded this outsourcing stuff in favour of the services he provided during recent US excursions, it would have made sense; but then, making statements is what Mush has excelled in. Let's see why it is a mere statement.

To keep the things for our study simple, let's look at the players of both the cricket teams. As far as the Indians are concerned, the only one uncomfortable with the language is Virendra Sehwag. Zaheer, Kaif, Bhaji, Pathan and Nehra are mildly uncomfortable, but it doesn't become obvious. They look ok when being conversed. Dravid, Sourav, Kumble, Yuvraj, Sachin, Laxman, Balaji and Agarkar are completely at ease.

In current Pakistani side: Rana Naved-Ul-Hasan, Youhana, Inzamam, Afridi, Sami and Razzak are extremely uncomfortable, much more than Sehwag. Imran Nazir, Yasir Hameed and Farhat are as uncomfortable as Sehwag. Malik and Moin Khan are ok, while Shoaib Akhtar is at ease, though he shows off more than what he actually is.

Pakistan looks pale in comparison.True, that sampling is small, and not random. But it gives a fair bit of indication. Literacy in India is 65 %, Pakistan's figure stand at 52 %. In India, English is most widely spoken second language , followed by Hindi. English is more useful as a lingua franca; the usefulness of Hindi as a lingua franca is regionally limited. In Pakistan, Urdu and Punjabi are the languages for this purpose. English is a poor third.

English is fluently used by 6% percent of populace in India, while that number is 4% for Pakistan. On absolute scale it means that about 6.5 crore of Indians and 60 lakhs of Pakistanis. That sums up the situation.

Mushy baby should stop day dreaming. It's only plain which way would the BPOs go; to the state which is headed by a finance professional or to the state which is headed by military professional.